im back

asalamu alaikum

safa. thanks for that comment u made. it made me sad that im so missed and that people wish to know how im doing. the answer is not too great. so much is happening in my life. will it ever end?

Update: my stbeh is no longer living with his FW. he moved out 2 weeks ago. hes living on his own. i gave him my rings. he took them and said nothing. i told him that i want talaaq. he said fine. hes acting so distant and uncaring. its hurting me so bad. and then to add to this hes leaving for DRC congo. he leaves in 3 weeks. he only returns after 6 months. hes not asking me to wait for him. so i dunno what to do now. i do love him, but i cant live my life in uncertainty. he has no time for me. hes always busy. i barely ever see him. hes not commited to me or our son. ive come to accept this . ive prayed, and i pleaded, ive beggged. ive been kind. ive been cruel. ive done all i could do for this marriage. im all done here

then my ex hubby. well hes a big factor in my life. a week ago he asked me if he could move in with me. he so unhappy in his marriage and that psychotic women his married to is making his life hell. he wants us to give our marriage another try. remarry and live with our kids. this is so tempting. last night my ex called me at about 8 pm and asked me to come and pick him up. i went with my sisters hubby and my sis. anyways we get there and hes not there , at the arranged place. i call and as hes approaching our car, his wife pulls up . now he doenst know what to do. so we left. i called him and he said she wont let him leave. he says shes got some kind of hold over him. i dont know waht it is , but i suspect black magic. the manner in which she sunk her claws into him so fast and the fact that he married her 3 weeks afer i left, makes me believe that he wasnt acting of his own free will. this woman is crazy. she goes through his fone. she reads his emails at work. she doesnt allow him to go out with his friends even on weekends, like to watch soccer or anyhting. shes got him on 24 hours survelience. and now she knows that he wants out and she wont let him leave. its sad to see what his life has become. and to think, he and i almost had it all.

ive prayed alot . i still continue to pray. if i had to choose between my ex and my stbeh i would choose my ex. i know he did me wrong, but i would still choose him. with counselling, communication and time, i think he can change into a bteer husband and father. and i still love him so much. its pathethic but its true.

i was so sick last week. i took some anti depressants which affected me adversely. ive hit rock bottom and im sinking even lover. i thought rock bottom was the lowest a person could go.

allah swt tests the believers. ive been tested these last 2 years. its been a difficult test. there were times when i just wanted to die cos the pain was so great. i think the end of this test is near now.

my stbeh and me had to get married, in order for me to be eligible to remarry my ex. thats the only conclusion i can come to, cos that marriage just isnt working out. im all tried out. as for my ex..he took me for granted too long and he needed to meet this psychotic woman and experience hardship with her in order to appreciate what he and i had. as for me, i was in my comfort zone. i took life for granted, never prayed . never did the things i was supposed to. today im a new woman and im proud of the muslima ive become.

i havent blogged in ages so excuse me if i didnt make any sense. this was just me ranting.

please remember me and my children in your duas.

much needed break

salaams. sorry for the long silence. i was a but depressed after some of the comments. i need a break form all this to figure things out. so much is happening and i dont know what to do

i need to find myself again. i cant blog about it right now. maybe later. thanks for all those who helped me.

bye for now and all the best to everyone.

my role in the breakdown of my marriage

after reading Musleemas last post, i decided to own up to stuff i did, that i think may have led to the breakdown of my marriage.

1. i never asked hubby about his kids ever. i wished them away and pretended that they didnt exist. this hurt him alot and he mentioned it a few times, that he feels that im not interested in his kids. how could he be with a woman who wasnt into his kids?

2. i made him feel worthless. he told me once that he didnt feel like a man around me. i earn much more than him, and each time we quarreled, i would buy a new item of furniture. he told me that i was boastful

3. after he left me i was a raging lunatic. not only did i sent him about 200 sms each day, insulting him. i further went on to demand that he return each item of clothing i ever bought for him.

4. i attacked his manhood, his inability to provide for me finacially and his level of Imaan. i told him that he was a hypocrite who would burn in the fire of jahanam.

5. i neglected my Islamic duties. i was so fixated on hubby and monitoring his every move, that i seldom prayed. my whole life revolved around him and what he was doing. i was obsessed with him.

6. i seldom cooked. i would collect food from my moms and this bothered him. he brought it up but i laughed it off.

7. he felt insecure in my home. once i was very upset and i packed all his stuff and told him to leave. ever since then he felt that i could kick him out at any time i desired.

8.he felt i undermined him on many occassions. i bought a few items of furniture in his absence , with the help of my mom. this pissed him off. he didnt feel like the man of the house.

9. my closet is a total mess and hes a neatness freak. he told me i should make more efforts to be neat and tidy. i did try but it wasnt up to his standards.

10. each time he went to visit his kids, i got upset. i felt that he was going to see his other wife and i was jealous cos he told me that it was over between him and her . i was always upset whenever she called him

11. i was too possessive and controlling. i wanted to tell him what to go, where to go. this really drove him nuts. he wanted freedom and i was crowding him

12. i went through his fone and found a message. i became so aggressive and i confronted him in front of my mom. things got very ugly indeed. i couldnt control my anger that day.

looking through all this, i realise that im not as innocent as i would like to believe. could it be possible, that hes leaving wasnt so much to go back to FW but to get away from the lunatic that i had become? i wonder. or am i grasping at straws here.

i know he really loved me and he would have done anyhting to make me happy. his sudden change of heart made no sense to me at all. even now, he may be mad at me, but if i call him, he always warms up to me, even if it takes a few days, but he warms up to me. am i giving myself false hope here and setting myself up for more pain?

i am to blame cos i entered this marriage 11 months after my failed first marriage. i never took time to heal and i got into this one with all my emotional baggage.
i was so insecure. i had it at the back of my mind that hubby would eventually leave me, so i may have sabotaged my own marriage by my actions. albeit unwillingly.

my hubby is no saint, but hes very caring, kind n giving and sensitive. thats his true nature. i wonder if theres a chance for us or what. can we still work things out?

pm , now u have every right to call me confused cos ive gone and confused myself all over again. im floating now. dont know what i want. im not thinking straight. will someone please help me find my way and see reason
safa , please can i have your take on this
sobia u as well...................i need someone to knock come reality into me

progress

asalamu alaikum
i think im making progress here. hubby called me about the function his having for his mom. he says he expects me to be there. i think i should go as his wife. but then again FW will be there and she might make a scene. i dunno what to do. i dont wanna burn bridges with hubby n his family. and the function is at his mom house. not his own house. what do u guys think. should i go or give it a miss. i know FW will be pissed to see me there, and i will feel odd and out of place. it might do me more harm than good. but hes still my hubby. Help me someone?

then today hubby rocks up at my work . he came to see his neice. he was in a hurry. i was pissed that he would come here when his in a hurry. so i told him what i have decided. i told him that he needs to give me my second talaaq so that i can start observing my iddat. in that 3 months , if he wants me back, he can take me back in kindness and start fulfilling my haqq, or if he doesnt want to proceed cos we have now grown apart, he can release me in kindness after the 3 months. he wasnt too pleased to here this. in fact he said hes in a hurry and he left. he almost tripped in an effort to get away.

some may wonder why i chose this route. after all, i rejected polygamy with him and i wanted a talaaq. but he wasnt forthcoming,. then i wanted khula and nothing came of that. after careful consideration, i realised that the only way i will get results is to put the ball back in his court. thats what i have done now.

i dont think he will want to reconcile now, cos we have been apart for quiet some time and our reconciliation will disrupt his relationship with FW n his kids. also i dont think hes that into me to want to reconcile. i dont think he sees me as a wife anymore. he only keeps me out of arrogance. what i have now done, is given him food for thought. he now knows that i mean bussiness.

the hard part will be getting him to gimme the second talaaq. he will be avoiding me big time from now on. thats what he does when hes backed into a corner. he runs. but i wont allow him. i will woo him and charm him. i will be nice and agreeable. i wont argue or fight. i will tell him that its not over yet, and that he has 3 months to reconsider. but let me be clear that i have no intention of reconciling with him. hes not worth my time . it kills me to even stoop this low, but hey, what else can i do. if anyone has any advise that will help further my course, please feel free to tell me. im done living in limbo.

dr phil

so im reading this book by Dr phil. i cant recall the title. something about love. anyways its a great book. lemme share some of the stuff ive read. this book talks about the character of YOU> who are YOU> what do u want in life. this book challenges YOU to first sell yourself, to u, before u can expect anyone else to have an interest in you. you need to love yourself more. you need to know who you are. its about self discovery. also, you need to love you and have an interest in you, before u expect anyone else to be interested.

then we look at the character of your ideal guy. u are asked to draw a list of things u look for in a guy. u also need to identify deal breakers. this book is really cool, becos all my life i never had standards. i was an equal opportunity person. i would go out with anyone who asked. i had no selection criteria. but this book challenges me now to have a list of things im looking for in a guy. by doing this, i stand a better chance of attracting the right kind of guy. the one who wont make me cry and break my heart.

my motto for 2007 is recover or repeat. i have identified my shortcommings, and now im working on them. if i dont recover i run the risk of repeating past mistakes. so i have no choice but to recover. this is a journey of self discovery.

the real me is dying to come out. i have suppressed her for too long. im not this pathethic looser, with low self esteem who spends her time pining away for a man who doesnt love her and walked out on her. im not that girl who waits by the fone , wishing it to ring. hell no...im NOT>

im a beautiful accomplished woman. im loving, kind and caring. i have so much to offer. any guy would be lucky to have me. im the worlds best kept secret. i know who i am and what im worth. no more selling my self short settling for guys who dont deserve my time. NO ways..

those who think im arrogant, well thats just your opinion. its time for me to transform my life. Insha Allah, when my king finally arrives, i will be ready to take my rightful place as his queen, and not as one of his house maids.

i know...i know....u guys think im dwelling too much on a man, and im fixated on finding a man. what can i say. i have so much love to give and i wanna share my love with someone who is worthy. to me, life is complete when u love someone and they love u back in return. im a die hard romantic. i need love in my life. ok. thats just who i am. i cant change that.

i can be happy without a man, but i can be over the moon, when im loved and love back in return. whats wrong with loving someone. its not a crime. as human beings, we long for companionship. its a natural, God given right. im not gonna let my need for companionship, cloud my judgemnt, not this time. trust me.....this time its gonna be different. i will be well equipped.

STBEH called me again today. i didnt answer cos i dont feel like talking to him. if he wants my time, hes gonna have to do a lot more grovling than 2 phone calls. im worth so much more than that.

if im souding full of myself right now, please dont take it personally. my self esteem needs a boost. and who better to stroke my ego, than me.

so, while i patiently await the arrival of my king, i get myself ready to be a worthy queen.

wonderful weeknd

i had an awesome weeknd. i went to the library and borrowed 7 books.
1. Dr Phil.......something about love
2. hes not that into u..greg and liz
3. pushing 30..whitney gaskell
4. u can if u think u can
5. dealing with divorce

i cant recall 6 and 7. but wow..do i feel great or what. after reading "hes not that into u" , i felt like, where was this book my whole life. i had so many "AHA" moments, it was freaky. its like that book was written for me. this book is amazing. i have finally made peace with the reality that my STBEH is just not that into me. and im cool with that too. i have a life apart from him
( he called me yesterday and i let the fone ring. i didnt answer cos i didnt feel like talking to him. the old me, would have answered on the first ring. the new me: will only answer if she feels like talking to him. if she doesnt he will have to just leave a message. i have other things to do in my life. im not sitting around waiting on him to call me, in case he even remembers that i exist to begin with).
i feel so energised. i cooked. i cleaned my home. i changed the curtains. i dusted all over. if only i could get him to collect the rest of his stuff. ive asked, begged and pleaded , but he wont do it. im thinking of giving it to charity now. i really need to reclaim my personal space.

tomorrow my son turns one. im so excited. will get cake and cooldrink. put up some balloons and sing for him. he will love it.

i prayed thahajud this morning. and zikr as well. i feel so good . its like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. im beginning to feel ok, about being a singel mom. i have so much to keep me busy.
between work, the kids, reading all these self help books, praying , researching about islam, doing my MBA, i have little time for a relationship. where would i find the time to cater to a mans needs. Wallahi i wouldnt be able to cope.

this one book i read asks the question: "what do u want". and im blank, i have been so fixated on worrying about everyone else and trying to fulfil their needs that i forgot all about my wants. now im on the road to self discovery and finding out what it is exactly that i want and what will it take for me to ne happy.

the first step is to renovate my room. im gonna fix my room up , just the way i like it. im gonna get all frilly stuff, girly stuff, pinks, lavendars, rose smelling stuff. my room will be my haven, my sanctuary. im gonna feel safe there from now on and all reminders of "him" will be removed.

this is the new me. watch this space.

in same boat as PM

asalamu alaikum

whoever has read Pms last post about her current predicament, im in the exact same boat. well the only difference is that i dont have to go to my STBEH city nor do i have to pay for divorce. i have requested Khula, but i was asked to be patient.

i want to patiently peservere, but for how long. what am i waiting for. what is about to change. my STBEH is a selfish man who is not about to change. hes an extremist. he knows not how to be moderate. he either leans on one side or the other. theres no middle ground with him. hes not made for polygamy. he doesnt have what it takes to conduct a successful polygamous marriage. i acknowledge that and i accept that. thats one of the reasons why i requested Khula.

like i said before, he was only willing to gimme my haqq after months of nagging on my part. and i wasnt up to that. and i was so afraid too. i was afraid of what if i gave in and agreed to his terms, equal nites and then to find tht he reverts to his neglecting me after a week or two. that would have killed me.

im still not over what he did to me or how he left me. and then for me to trust him again and give him my heart and raise my expectataions only to have them crushed. no . i couldnt do it. i opted to just run away and take cover instead.

im not gonna lie. i love him so much. i miss him like crazy. i want to call him so badly. but each time i think of calling, i think of how bad he treated me, and the anger wont allow me to call him

he called me on monday to notify me of a death in the family. i offered him my condolences. then he called me on wednesday to let me know that our baby is turning a year old. wtf..i gave birth to him, so i know his age. then he asks what plans do i have for the babys birthday. i told him that i have no plans and that the baby is too little to remember. he chooses to play dad when it suits him. my baby was sick and i called and told him. my mom had to take my baby to the dcotor. alhamduliah hes better now. did his father even bother to come and see him...nope he didnt. in fact he last saw his son on the 22nd december last year. and what breaks my heart is that he does come by every second day to see his sister who lives 2 mins away from my moms. yet he can come and go and not even bother to see his son. and now suddenly hes concerned about the birthday. well i dont buy that fake concern. hes a cruel, and and ruthless man. thats the truth.

back to the fone call. next he invites me to a function hes having on the 17th of feb at his late moms residence. he tells me that he would like me to be there. i didnt respond to him. no ways am i going. i dont want any scene with FW> last time she embarassed me at a family funeral, and she threatned me. hubby wasnt there, but his siters were. yet none of them did anything. so i dont wish to associate with them or him. its best i kep my distance from that entire family

this marriage has been nothing but tears for me. the joy was very short lived indeed. so u can understand why im eager to put it all behind me and star afresh. its been a learning curve and a blessing in disguise.

i guess it had to take something this drastic to bring me to my senses and make me more aware . Clearly Allah swt is teaching me a lesson here. a lesson i refused to learn after my first failed marriage. but this time im prepared. Im listening and im taking note. im more aware of whats happening. im greatful firstly that im a human being. had Allah willed i could have been created as a cat, or dog. im not saying that im better than other creations, but i give thanks to Allah that i was chosen to be amongst the human race. its an honour.

second, im glad that i was born as a muslim. Islam is my way of life and it has enriched my life so much

third, i have my health, i have wonderful kids, loving and supportive parents, a roof over my head.

fourth i have met so many wonderful poeple through bloggging.

the blessings are endless and they never cease.

the only problem that i have is my failed marriages. no one gets a perfect life right, so i too, like all other people have to be tested by my creator. and im one perosn who has always loved more that i was loved. i always put in extra effort and went the extra mile to accomodate my partners. i would gsacrifice more. i would give up my own happiness, to let my partners shine. and in the end, they never appreciated me. so maybe i need to look into that next time around. amybe i need to start putting myself first and believing that im important to. it should be a 50/50 mariage. give and take. maybe thats where my true happiness lies. and not in my self sacrificing ways of the past.

im very afraid to love again. to fall again. to give my heart again. but i put my faith and trust in Allah swt. insha allah this time around, i too will have my happy ending and live happily ever after.

every day i pray for relief after difficulties. i pray that Allah swt blesses me with a good father for my kids and a good hubby for me. someone who will love and appreciate me and take care for me and my kids. i pray for health and shifa as well. i also pray that allah makes it easier for all those who are going through hardships in their lives.